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An overwealming need to spill my guts.

Since I have no one to talk to about this at all. I thought I would post here. Hope you all dont mind.

Things been ok the last few months. Just getting more and more confused now. After being in hospital last year cos I wanted to do something. Even now I still get so scared its going to happen again. I feel the black dog around me now. I try to fight but its so hard. My brain wont stop. My friend tells me I stress too much. I know I do but then I think she doesnt think enough. Some of the reason why I feel this way is cos she has confused me. She is one of my bestest friends, yet she twists me all around. She comes across as not caring. She says she does it to me cos I bite so well, well guess what! It fucking hurts! I care about u so damn much and you make me even wonder if u care about me at all. Sometimes I feel like im only there if u want something. Some pc help or something like that. Like last night. Laptop playing up so you come around. Been asking you to visit for ages and you dont. Until you want help. You go stay at other friends places and drink with them but not me. You go out with other friends.But not me. You tell me that I am one of your closest friends, then shut me out. How the fuck am I supposed to feel? You hide on facebook, hide on skype. i dont stalk you. What do u think i am. I know that you know what I told J. You nearly let it all slip that night at the club. I know it was her that told you cos she was the only one who knew.

First, I told her that ages ago. I mean August last year. On the DAY i went into hospital.
Its something that , Yes, I did tell her. But i told her that in confidence and even asked her to swear on Sophies life. And she goes and breaks my trust.

Second, even if I did have feelings I would NEVER act upon them. I know that you are straight. I know that you are not remotely interested. Why would I ever risk our friendship by doing anything. I know that yes, I do care a lot about you. But you are my FRIEND! And i dont want to lose you. I would never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. And I know you think Im gonna try and crack onto you. Im not. I would never do anything to upsetr you.

But as for how you feel about me, even as a friend. I have no fucking idea. You really do make me feel like you dont give a fuck. Is that the case? Am I wasting my time here? Do you even want to be my friend? Wish I could ask you. But Im too scared.

Once again

Heres me with Claudia Black & Chris Judge. One good thing about the Melbourne floods is that the passenger elevator in the building was flooded so I had to use this crappy old freight elevator. So every few hours I went down to the loading dock to have a cigarette.

At about 6pm that night I went for a smoke and Claudia turns up for a break from signing. We chatted for about 10 minutes. Shes so nice and down to earth. So easy to talk to. Then Chris turned up as well. 

So that was about the best 20 minutes of my life.

Another pic

This is me with David Blue.

He is a lot taller than me (as is 99% of the population) so our conversation went like this.

David - Hi Im David
Me - Hi. Im Kells. How are ya?
Shakes hands.
David - Where do you want me?
Me - Thats a pretty open question!!!
Entire crowd watching laughs.

Another SG Con pic

Me with Chris Judge. I felt so small. He is sooo nice tho.

Stargate Con Melbourne 2010

Im just gonna post a post a pic every few days that I took (or got) at the con.

This is me with Claudia Black. So nice. I had to use the freight elevator cos the storms had flooded the passenger one, I went down to the loading dock for a smoke about 7 and Claudia & Chris Judge turned up there for a break. Had a great chat with them (especially Claudia) for 15-20 minutes. It was amazing.

Photo of the day

Bok Choy The Baby Elephunkle

This is the baby elephant born 6 weeks ago at the Melbourne Zoo.
When we saw her she didn't have a name yet, and since all the elephants have Thai names our friend named her Bok Choy.
She has since been christened Mali. But she will always be Bok Choy to me.

Super Mullet

Hey Another pic from me. This one is quiet embarresing. It was taken when I was about 18 back in the late 80s. Super Mullet or what.

Sad hey! Lol.And that was back when my hair was actually blonde. Its gone light brown now.

Back again!

So I can never think of anything to write about here so I have decided that occasionally (or in other words, when I remember) I'm going to just post a pic or two. Hows that sound?

This is just a stupid photo of me taken at the Tahbilk Winery near Nagambie. We were on a kind of boat ride down the swaplands. I was a tad tiddly. Hehehe.

I have no idea how to centre the pic. Oh well. Gives you a good first impression of me hey!
Hey all.
Sitting here at home alone. Thought this time Im just going to write exactly what comes into my head. No censor here. lol. So if its boring and repetitive then thats why.

Its now 10.47pm and its still 29degC (84.2degF) and like I said in the subject...I'm melting!!!
It got to 38 today (100F) and its gonna be like it all week. The nights being hot aren't helping. Just wish it would cool down so I could sleep. Havent slept much at all lately. dont want to leave the air con on too much cos I cant afford the power bill. So last night put the pedastool fan in my room. The sound kept me awake. Plus got hot flushes while I did sleep so woke up freezing and drenched. Then was hot again. Frak I hate it at the moment. Sorry. Im whinging. Far too much time to think and its starting to get to me. Family probs are bad. Probs with my brother & his wife. She left him and I dont think I will ever see her again. She has been around since I was 11 and I honestly dont remember life before her. We were so close, I classed her as my sister. They moved to the other side of the country and now shes gone. She doesnt respond to text messages or facebook messages. And now shes moving to another state with someone and I really dont think I will ever see her again. Shes even abandoning her kids. This isnt like her. She was always so family oriented. Loved her kids so much. The kids are 19 and 22 but they were still her life. Now her daughter isnt even talking to her & she doesnt care. Its like its another person. I just dont understnad. She wont even talk to my mum, who has basically been her mother for 25 years. WTF!!! Its like the person I know has died. I feel like I have lost my sister and I cant even say goodbye. Plus I also feel like im a selfish bitch cos Im sad about losing her, but i shouldnt be worried about how it affects me, I should only worry about my brother & the kids. i am so stressed about them, and I just want to see them and hug them. But part of me is also upset cos I have lost her. How selfish am I. they are going through hell.
I know there is nothing i can do. Just be there if they need me. I just wish I could see them. And I wish I could see her, and hug her and tell her that she will always be my sister. No matter what.

Been ages hey!

Hi all.
I know I hardly post here. Its not because I don't want to, its because I actually have nothing to write about. I have the dullest life ever. I get up. Shower. Clean up the flat a bit. Then sit on my arse on the couch watching telly & playing online. Then go to bed about 4 or 5am. Get up the next day and start all over again.I live in a small country town. I can't afford the petrol to go to the bigger towns, or to do anything. I just wish I had a job. Not to just get the extra cash, but to also go out and see people. To have a bit of life. I don't feel as if Im living my life. It shits me. My ultimate dream is to travel. But being disabled I cant just piss off and backpack around. I have to have some money behind me. So atm my life is on pause. I think my fear of growing old alone and broke is going to happen.

Sorry about the winge. I don't think I'm having a very good day. The loneliness gets to me sometimes. Just sad when you go down the street to get the mail, just so you can see another face.

Might go watch some SG-1. Nothing like a fix of Amanda to cheer me up.